A reality for this creative

When people say, “I create every single day and post on social media”, I feel admiration.

It is impossible for me to do anything like that every single day. Today is a good example why—and I’m writing this in real time, as it is happening.

Today is a very difficult day, emotionally.

I felt like a failure, like nothing I did was right. For a good part of the morning I felt directionless; there are many things I want to do, many things I need to do, but I had no idea what would be a good starting place and no idea how any movement would help. I felt lost.

Sometimes taking a drive helps tremendously, but today was not that day. In short order I realized I had no business driving—I was short-tempered, anxious, and unfocused. I came home.

And sat in the chair.

I sat and sat and let myself feel miserable. I let myself moan when it felt “right”, I let myself gaze motionless at nothing, I let the physical discomfort-that-wasn’t-quite-pain wash over me in waves until they faded.

The cloud is just now lifting, finally the light is coming in, I’m finally really knowing that this feeling is not permanent.

When it happens, I have to say over and over and over that all things change and this feeling will too…but when it’s happening I believe it 98%, then 84%, then 78%… and the longer the feeling lingers, the more the percentage drops.

What often accompanies all of this is the non-stop barrage of thoughts.

These thoughts are fully formed solutions to real problems that would actually work, or fully fleshed out comedy acts, or full scripts or symphonies or poems or stories.

These aren’t snippets or general framing of ideas. It’s the whole thing—problem, solution, consideration of obstacles, solutions for those obstacles and very often contact people to start the process. I can see it clearly.

With art work—be they music or writings—they arrive in my head complete, ready to be written down or dictated, and they flood my brain with great insistence.

It’s the worst. It sounds amazing, right? Like why not write it all down and make a mint?

First, I can’t stop or control any of it. During these episodes it’s almost like someone is shoving it all in my head, yelling, “Check this out! Look at this! LOOK!!! LOOK!!! LOOK!!!”

Second, there is not enough time in my life to complete one of the ideas, much less 20 or 30 of them. It’s too much.

It’s. Too. Much.

And did I mention I can’t stop it? It’s like a faucet of thoughts, so I have to wait it out.

That is my day today. It is exhausting.